


Fallout Oneshots

by ZA_Black92



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 3, Fallout 4, Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I can't tag nor words well, Incorrect Quotes, Jealousy, Multi, Named Courier, Named Lone Wanderer, Named Sole Survivor - Freeform, One Shot, Random Encounters, mostly ghouls, pansexual Courier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26659966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZA_Black92/pseuds/ZA_Black92
Summary: Just another book of random oneshots to my collection.
Relationships: Charon (Fallout)/Female Lone Wanderer, Female Courier/Dean Domino, John Hancock/Female Sole Survivor
Kudos: 2





	Fallout Oneshots

_[Vulpes and Lydia accidently get thrown into the strip’s jail after an incident, just after Vulpes warns that the Legion has been spying on her a woman rushes passed the redhead almost knocking her down._

_the woman drops her bag in the process and the courier picks the bag up calling the woman only for a scary amount of chems & chips to fall out of the bag, Next thing they know Vulpes and Lydia are surrounded by MPs and hauled to jail for suspicion of robbery and chem smuggling._

_the police chief believes that they’re innocent, but until they can get the footage from the Securitron the two are stuck there. While moping about this the chief’s wife comes in and while hugging her husband the wife looks at the guard standing in front of Vulpes and Lydia’s cell._

_With bedroom eyes she blows him a kiss and winks, Vulpes looks on with a grimace while Lydia’s jaw drops at boldness of the wife. Their Guard smirks gives the wife a nod than stands up a bit straighter when the Chief completely unaware turns to look at the stunned detainees and assures them they’ll be out soon._

_Cut to an hour later Vulpes and Lydia are watching their guard and the chief’s wife vigorously making out in full view of their cell.]_

**Chief’s Wife** : *breathless* Aron stop!

**Guard *aka Aron** *: Melissa your trembling, what’s wrong?

**Melissa** : Ian’s getting getting suspicious! You know he’s been asking questions at the Mormon fort! We have to get out of here!

_*Vulpes rolls his eyes as Lydia follow them completely enthralled.*_

**Aron** : … And say goodbye to all that money? I don’t think so. 

_*grabs Melissa’s hands*_

**Aron** : We just need to bide our time.

**Melissa** : *slaps Aron hands away* How can I trust you Aron? when you haven’t even told Charlene about us yet?!

**Aron** : *appalled* have a heart Mellissa, the woman’s still in a coma!

_*Melissa scoffs and looks away, Lydia’s jaw drops, Vulpes couldn’t care less.*_

**Lydia** : _*whispering in disbelief*_ a coma?

**Vulpes** : *huffs in annoyance*

_{Cue Ian walking in, Aron runs to the break room.}_

**Ian** : Hi Honey! *Melissa smiles innocently at him*

**Ian** : _*dropping the nice act*_ I just got back from the ambassador’s office, he thinks he going to kill our little real estate deal...

**Melissa** : We can’t let him do that, what about those pictures of him and that Wrangler ghoul?

**Ian:** There on their way to the news papers right now... We’re gonna destroy the old bastard!

**Melissa** : Perfect, Now all we have to worry about is Old man Jenkins... Maybe we should send your friend Eric to pay him a visit?

_[They giggle to each other as another officer brings a man who hurries into the cell and stands next to Lydia excited.]_

**Gambler** : What did I miss? *Vulpes shakes his head*

_[later, Lydia and her new friend are enticed listening to Ian tell Melissa a tragic story of his past, while Vulpes stares at cell wall seemingly in his own little world]_

**Ian** :... And as I pulled her from the wreckage, She was so..*chokes up* d-disfigured, that I didn’t even know... It was my own sister! *breaks down crying*

**Melissa** : Don’t worry, Dimitri is the finest reconstructive surgeon in the California! 

_**Lydia** : *whisper* Who’s Dimitri?_

_**Gambler** : *whisper* He’s the head doctor at Hub Medical, him and Melissa had an affair last year then he-_

**Ian** ” SHUT UP IN THERE! 

_*Lydia and the Gambler jump away from the bars startled, as Ian breaks down crying again.*_

_[later.]_

**Melissa** :[to Aron and Ian] We can still pull this off!

**Aron** : You’ll never get passed the DNA test Melissa, Even you’re lies aren’t going to be enough this time!

**Ian** : But Aron If you didn’t buy the mining rights, Than who did?

**Aron** : Don’t either of you see what’s going on? the perpetrator who bought the mining rights, is the same person who stole Ms. Margret’s diamond brooch, _*Lydia and the Gambler look at each other slack-jawed, Vulpes pretending to nap cocks a brow.*_ They're also the same person who framed Nathan for Andre's murder that horrid night! And that person’s name is...

**Prison Guard** : Okay Missy you and Your buddy are free to go.

**Lydia:** _Awww..._

**Vulpes:** *jumps of the cot outraged ***** What?!

**Prison Guard** : Move it. 

_[Lydia complies while dragging a protesting Vulpes behind her.]_

**Vulpes** : No! Five more minutes, You can’t just do this to me now! dammit!

**Lydia** : C’mon... Vincent, Don’t make this harder than it has to be

**Vulpes** : It was the Ambassador right? or Thurston?! No no The janitor...Wait no he’s Ian’s amnesic brother! _Ekk!_ _*gets yanked out the office by one of the guards, while Ian, Melissa and Aron look at him like he's insane.*_

_-quote Source: Malcolm in the middle._

* * *

**Pickman** : I'm not a... _serial_ killer!

**Dustine:** Wait, why did you emphasize "serial"?

Source: Archer

* * *

_**Dean Domino**_ _: [Talking to himself while walking through the desert]_ Because you let her, you let Lydia push your buttons. That's why you stormed off with no map, gun, means of communication, or lifesaving water. And that's why you died in the desert. _*pause*_ Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert. _*Gasps*_ Just like Lydia’s talking gecko said!

_[Flashback to the café Dean and Lydia resting and eating Mac & cheese and canned peaches, as Lydia is talking about the time she fought a giant fire bear while, tripping on Datura root tea and how a talking gecko told her the future.]_

**Dean Domino** : How. Would I ever. Die in a dessert? * _opens bottle of water and takes a drink.*_

_[Back to the present]_

**Dean Domino** : Well, _*shrugs*_ pretty close.

Source:Archer

* * *

_[Butch constantly whines & bitches to Branwen about wanting a gun, the albino woman caves, gives him a Nail gun so long as he’s careful, to which Butch proceeds to accidentally fire the gun at Branwen’s right leg, cut to a week later she spent all her caps on Charon’s contract; who she ordered to never under any circumstances is he to _ **_Give. Butch. a. gun_ ** _! after the greaser eagerly asked to see the ghoul’s Shotgun.]_

**Butch Deloria** : Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

**Branwen Church** : Once would be nice!

**Butch Deloria** : Hmm... No.

Source: Archer

* * *

**[After leaving the Sierra Madre together Lydia brings Dean up to speed on the Mojave’s new wildlife.]**

**Dean Domino:** So what do these “Deathclaws” eat?

**Lydia Delacroix:** EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits! ...Also bacon is now Mole rat, Get use to it!

s: Archer

* * *

_[Lydia’s sources tell her someone’s planning to rob the Tops during a dance contest,She knows it’ll take a thief to catch a thief and asks her old friend Dean for help.]_

**Cass** : *to Arcade*Okay. [Groans] Ho, hoo. How did you manage to step on both of my feet at the same time?

**Arcade** : I'm horrible at this. When can we stop? 

**Cass** : I'm horrible at this... 

**Arcade** :I know, I know. Title of my s*x holotape. 

**Cass** : Huh, well done. Title of my s*x holotape. 

**Arcade** : Oh, my God, look at Lydia and that Domino guy!

_[Cass, Arcade and half the Tops watch Dean and Lydia dance the tango impressively.]_

**Arcade** : They could really win this thing. 

**Cass** : How did you get so amazing at dancing? 

**Lydia** : Guys, focus. Dean found a back stairway over there. 

**Dean** : And spin! [Lydia spins away then back to Dean who dips her] 

_*the other contestants clap*_

**Arcade** : *in awe* Who is she?

S: Brooklyn 99

* * *

**Joshua Graham** : Lydia, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. " _The foolish man who built his house upon the sand._ "

**Lydia Delacroix** : And you remember.....Da..um, Matthew... 21:17.

**Joshua Graham** : [Bemused] " _And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?_ "

**Lydia Delacroix** : Yeah..... Think about it.

S: The Simpsons

* * *

**[Charon and Butch are waiting for Branwen to drop Bryan off at his cousin Vera’s, the greaser decides to strike up a conversation with his friend’s bodyguard and suspected lover.]**

**Butch** : _Ohhhhhhhh_ shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

_[Charon briefly looks up from his beer to see what Butch is pointing at, and gives him a look.]_

**Charon** : I see a door marked " _Private_ ". Is that the door you're talking about?

**Butch** : Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?

**Charon** : I heard you say there was a door marked " _Pirate_ ".

**Butch** : Well, are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?

**Charon** : You're the one that... Jesus Christ, man. Shit. 

_[Charon storms off to find Branwen before he strangles Butch.]_

_S: It's always sunny_

* * *

**Burke returns to Megaton after being fired by Tenpenny only to find his house is now home to some wannabe greaser and a Super mutant, so he goes to Branwen (my Lone Wanderer.) for shelter.**

**Burke** : Oh Branwen! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only woman who ever loved me.

**Branwen** : _*disgusted*_ I never loved you.

**Burke** : I meant physically. Just let me work for a little food. I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors.

**Branwen** : You don't know how to do any of those things.

_[Burke gets mad and grabs her by the shoulders. BIG MISTAKE, the second Branwen winced a shadow loomed over them. Burke looks up to see the biggest ghoul he’s ever laid eyes on; glowering at him while cracking it’s knuckles...]_

[cut to Megaton’s front gate everything quiet save for distant gunfire and the chirping of crickets.]

**Burke** : _*being thrown out of the town by Charon*_ ** _ARRRGGGH!_**

**S1: Futurama S2: Fresh prince of Bel Air**

* * *

_[After Dusty manages to fix a prototype X-ray flashlight, Hancock and Deacon take it and play around with it.}_

**Hancock** : What should we try it on first?

**Deacon** :Oh, Try it on me!

_[Hancock points the X-Ray at Deacon's crotch showing them an image of his hip bones.]_

**Deacon** : _*grabs his crotch*_ Ow, my sperm!

**Hancock** : I'll try it again _[He does so]_

**Deacon** : Huh? Didn't hurt that time.

S: Futurama

* * *

**Piper** : ...Then we stopped by Goodneighbor, Dustine said she had to drop something off for Hancock, She had a real big crush on him.

**Hancock** : _Oh-ho_ , Sunshine! You had a crush on me? That's embarrassing!

**Dusty** : We're married. 

**Hancock** : _*chuckles*_ Still!

S:Parks and rec

* * *

**Dusty** : (To Deacon) Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will have Strong yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.  
 **Cait** : (walks into Dusty’s living room) Helloooo!!! What's up bitches?  
 **Deacon** : Cait, can an asshole rip in half?  
 **Cait** : Like tissue paper.

S: It's always sunny

* * *

[Dustine ‘Dusty’ Faustmy Sole Survivor refuses to take chems, She is suffering from a form muscle degeneration a draw back from being frozen for 200 years.]

**Dusty:** [seeing Hancock load up a lot of weight onto a table] Uh, that looks really heavy.

**Hancock** : Look Sunshine, this is not gonna be a half-assed workout. We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.

**Dusty** : Yeah, but I can't lift that.

**Hancock:** Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then, you're gonna jam your legs down and hyper-extend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.

**Dusty** : None of of those things sound right to me... at all.

S: It's always sunny

* * *

_[For the last week Lydia has been disguising herself as a man to infiltrate the Omertas crime family, she with the help of Boone and Gannon, who are pretending to be interested buyers of some of the girls, have finally found proof that the dancers and prostitutes came from slave trades with the Legion and through other means and are planning to bomb the strip.]_

**Boone** : Okay, we have have all the proof are we going to the embassy or the old man?

**Arcade** : I’m not having this discussion until Lydia takes that stupid beard off!

_[Boone grabs Lydia’s fake beard and much to the redhead’s protest rips it off, pulling some of Lydia’s facial hair and skin with it, leaving red marks where the glue was holding it on her face.]_

**Lydia:** ” _*tears up. lip quivers* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh_

_[her pained scream echos through out the strip- Freeside everyone'slooking at the strip north gate scared and confused.]_

**_*Ahhhhhhh*_ **

_[ cut to an aerial shot of Vegas.]_

_*_ **_Aaaahhhhhh_ ** _*_

_[Ulysses at his camp site looking up at the sky bemused]_

_*_ **_Aahhhhhhhhhhhh_ ** _*_

_[the fort: Caesar is watching a gladiatorial match he reaches for a goblet of wine, when Lydia’s scream is heard through out the camp, causing him and everyone to stop what they’re doing and look around trying to figure out what the hell is that?]_

_*_ **_Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_ ** _*_

_[Zion Canyon, Follows-Chalk,Joshua and Daniel are sitting around a campfire talking when a noise causes them to stop and look at the sky.]_

**Follows-Chalk** :....Lidi?

_[Daniel looks at Joshua concerned. cut back to Vault 21]_

**Boone** _: *holding the beard staring at the still screaming redhead stunned*_

**Lydia** : aahhh...Fuck! Why would you rip it off like that?!

**Arcade** : why’d you glue it to your face?!

**Lydia** : Why not?!

S: Za_Black92

* * *

_[ Vulpes watching Lydia (my Courier) and her friends in the Tops Courtyard discussing how to get to Benny.]_

**Raul** : So here we are on stripe now we just need a plan to lure out Benny, right boss?. [Lydia shrugs]

**Cass** : I'm not sleeping with him.

**Arcade** : Well, No one’s asking you to sleep with him.

**Cass** : 'Cuz nobody wants to sleep with your boring ass.

**Raul** : All right, Don’t you two start-

[Lydia groans]

**Veronica** : You okay, Lyds?

**Lydia** : Just a little tooth pain. I'm fine. Continue.

**Raul** : Okay... First, My plan is check for service tunnels that lead to - _[Lydia groans again]_ Do you need to go to the dentist, Boss?

**Lydia** : I don't like dentists. Just a second... 

_[Lydia reaches into her pocket and pulls out some pliers, Vulpes and her followers watch in horror as she brings the pliers to her mouth]_

**Veronica** : Hey!

**Arcade** : Oh, no, no. No! [Lydia puts the pliers to her tooth]

**Veronica** : Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

_[everyone mutters, then screams as Lydia pulls her tooth out, Boone grimaces and looks like he’s going to being sick.]_

**Cass** : What the f**k??! _[Arcade runs out of the courtyard Veronica follows]_

**Raul** : Oh, Dios Mio! [Rex whimpers walks out of the yard, then Cass and Raul.]

**Lydia** : I'm sorry, everybody. What were we talking about? Revenge?

_[Lydia looks to see her friends are gone save for ED-E whose shaking and peeping at her warily.]_

**Lydia** : *to ED-E* The dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday, but I figured it’s was a good idea to get rid of the others while I do this, That... and I wanted to demonstrate to them that I am capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's was fun to see Boone faint!

_[They look at Boone out cold on the ground as Lydia smiles, sans tooth before putting the sniper on a lounge-chair and going to find Benny, all while Vulpes is watching from the shadows silently praising the courier’s ingenuity.]_

_S: parks and rec_


End file.
